How to Marry Two More Wives When You Can’t Feed the First One (A Step-by-Step Guide to Nigerian State Creation) There’s a special kind of genius that only exists in Nigeria. A political kind of madness that should be patented and exported as a natural resource. These people can’t pay N-Power youths. They can’t release police retirees from the hellfire called PENCOM. They can’t create jobs. They can’t protect lives. But somehow — by the grace of greed and the gospel of waste — they’ve found the spiritual energy to create more states. Ladies and gentlemen, Nigeria is about to have more wives — sorry, states! Step 1: Redefine “Development” Development, in the Nigerian dictionary, no longer means roads, schools, hospitals, or jobs. No, my friend. It now means new letterheads, new logos, and fresh coat-of-arms designs, with the governor’s nephew in charge of the printing contract. You can’t fix a classroom roof, but you can build a new assembly complex with Italian marble. You can’t pay teachers, but you can approve a ₦2 billion “State Inauguration Gala.” We call this “strategic mismanagement.” Step 2: Multiply Failure Efficiently Creating new states is not about solving problems — it’s about distributing them evenly. One broke governor becomes two broke governors. One looting legislature becomes three legislative viruses. You had one convoy blocking traffic? Congratulations — you now have seven. This is democratic duplication of dysfunction. Step 3: Cook With the People’s Hunger Imagine a man who can’t feed his wife and two children, standing proudly to announce he will marry two more wives. Not for love. Oh no. For prestige. He believes hunger will respect him more if it sees more plates on the table. That, right there, is Nigerian logic in motion. We are expanding our poverty to make it look like progress. Step 4: Ignore Reality, Embrace Decoration The roads are craters. Classrooms are ruins. Hospitals are haunted. Teachers, soldiers, and police officers live like refugees in their own land. Youth unemployment is higher than the country’s moral standards. But worry not, they are working hard… to draw new maps. Because apparently, new borders cure old stupidity. Step 5: Add Committees to Committees Instead of paying police pensions, buy more siren SUVs. Instead of fixing school roofs, add curtains to new offices. Instead of building factories, form committees and subcommittees, then create a committee to “oversee committee formation.” We now have Special Assistants, Senior Special Assistants, Personal Assistants, and the Special Assistant to the man who carries the bag of the Personal Assistant. Nigeria’s job creation plan is working, just not for you. Step 6: Master the Art of Political Theatre Governance in Nigeria is a Netflix special, same plot, new season. Actors change, but the script remains: steal, smile, and swear to serve. They’ve tied government appetite to the pockets of the poor, turning citizens into a national soup pot that politicians dip into whenever policy feels hungry. And every election season, they call it democracy stew. Step 7: Build the Golden Roof on the Broken House Before you split a town in two, fix the granary. Before you marry more wives, feed the children. Before you add chairs in the assembly, fix the broken ones in classrooms. But no, they insist on building a golden roof on a cracked foundation. A shining disaster waiting to collapse, but hey, it photographs well! The Final Truth Bomb Let’s call it what it is: This is not governance. It’s theatre with tears. This is not reform. It’s recycling of rot. This is not nation-building. It’s ego management with budget allocation. And every time they announce a new state, a poor man somewhere in Nigeria whispers: “Ah, maybe this new state will finally bring development.” No, my brother. It will bring more convoys, more curtains, more committees — and one extra anthem to sing before they steal again.

How to Marry Two More Wives When You Can’t Feed the First One (A Step-by-Step Guide to Nigerian State Creation) There’s a special kind of genius that only exists in Nigeria. A political kind of madness that should be patented and exported as a natural resource. These people can’t pay N-Power youths. They can’t release police retirees from the hellfire called PENCOM. They can’t create jobs. They can’t protect lives. But somehow — by the grace of greed and the gospel of waste — they’ve found the spiritual energy to create more states. Ladies and gentlemen, Nigeria is about to have more wives — sorry, states! Step 1: Redefine “Development” Development, in the Nigerian dictionary, no longer means roads, schools, hospitals, or jobs. No, my friend. It now means new letterheads, new logos, and fresh coat-of-arms designs, with the governor’s nephew in charge of the printing contract. You can’t fix a classroom roof, but you can build a new assembly complex with Italian marble. You can’t pay teachers, but you can approve a ₦2 billion “State Inauguration Gala.” We call this “strategic mismanagement.” Step 2: Multiply Failure Efficiently Creating new states is not about solving problems — it’s about distributing them evenly. One broke governor becomes two broke governors. One looting legislature becomes three legislative viruses. You had one convoy blocking traffic? Congratulations — you now have seven. This is democratic duplication of dysfunction. Step 3: Cook With the People’s Hunger Imagine a man who can’t feed his wife and two children, standing proudly to announce he will marry two more wives. Not for love. Oh no. For prestige. He believes hunger will respect him more if it sees more plates on the table. That, right there, is Nigerian logic in motion. We are expanding our poverty to make it look like progress. Step 4: Ignore Reality, Embrace Decoration The roads are craters. Classrooms are ruins. Hospitals are haunted. Teachers, soldiers, and police officers live like refugees in their own land. Youth unemployment is higher than the country’s moral standards. But worry not, they are working hard… to draw new maps. Because apparently, new borders cure old stupidity. Step 5: Add Committees to Committees Instead of paying police pensions, buy more siren SUVs. Instead of fixing school roofs, add curtains to new offices. Instead of building factories, form committees and subcommittees, then create a committee to “oversee committee formation.” We now have Special Assistants, Senior Special Assistants, Personal Assistants, and the Special Assistant to the man who carries the bag of the Personal Assistant. Nigeria’s job creation plan is working, just not for you. Step 6: Master the Art of Political Theatre Governance in Nigeria is a Netflix special, same plot, new season. Actors change, but the script remains: steal, smile, and swear to serve. They’ve tied government appetite to the pockets of the poor, turning citizens into a national soup pot that politicians dip into whenever policy feels hungry. And every election season, they call it democracy stew. Step 7: Build the Golden Roof on the Broken House Before you split a town in two, fix the granary. Before you marry more wives, feed the children. Before you add chairs in the assembly, fix the broken ones in classrooms. But no, they insist on building a golden roof on a cracked foundation. A shining disaster waiting to collapse, but hey, it photographs well! The Final Truth Bomb Let’s call it what it is: This is not governance. It’s theatre with tears. This is not reform. It’s recycling of rot. This is not nation-building. It’s ego management with budget allocation. And every time they announce a new state, a poor man somewhere in Nigeria whispers: “Ah, maybe this new state will finally bring development.” No, my brother. It will bring more convoys, more curtains, more committees — and one extra anthem to sing before they steal again.